06-28-2013, 07:07 AM
contaminating
I pissed in the bathwater,
lay back and opened up the bladder valve.
It's a great feeling unleashing;
the gush of a full tank,
but there was no profundity.
I've pissed in cold swimming pools
there was purpose, a sense of achievement The syntax of this line feels a little off to me, (I've pissed...there was purpose), but I'm not brilliant at this so perhaps wait n see if anyone else mentions this.
a young lad astride his stallion. Great image...as spoken from the voice of a boy turning young man.
"look at me pissing, yes pissing" I almost want an exclamation mark to have been used for the repeat
In your swimming pool. Feels like this should be included in the indented speech above
Warm piss cupping cold balls like matron
on scabies inspection in the kids home. This and line above - brilliant
Turned out she liked inspecting balls
as much as I like pool pissing
I learned that piss in bathwater doesn't make soap
lather yellowed or smelly, pissy smelly, Fascinating idea / theory (that I’ve not come across before – I’m assuming it’s a small boy thing)…makes for good detail.
not fragrant smelly like matron is when you rest Matron fragrantly smelly?!- not that I noticed, but perhaps in your world matrons come in a different flavour to the ones I knew…I get a mental pic of the character (Granville) from “open all hours” resting his head in the bosoms of Nurse Gladys Emanuel, type thing going on during chesty cough inspection. Very amusing.
your hands on her stout shoulders
and cough as she says
"cough,"
and sighs.
I remember the ammoniac smell of piss
stained sheets piled on bare floorboards,
a mountain of light brown and crisp white.
A mountain of piss.
The final stanza has an altogether darker and sadder tone than the others. It almost feels like it belongs to a different poem. The main block of the poem reads as the voice of small boy’s version of a piss take on authority; this then also with an older voice of hindsight into the juvenile (self) period of sexual experimentation. The combined effect for me (& the feed in from the title) produced the sense that this was a backwards glance at childhood behaviour and within this some dark days that were toughed out with exceptional character and inner strength…& now these times have been put into a healthy perspective and can be laughed at. (The last stanza feels too raw to be part of this).
As usual a highly original and entertaining read from you.
Hope the comments are of some help or at least interesting AJ.
I pissed in the bathwater,
lay back and opened up the bladder valve.
It's a great feeling unleashing;
the gush of a full tank,
but there was no profundity.
I've pissed in cold swimming pools
there was purpose, a sense of achievement The syntax of this line feels a little off to me, (I've pissed...there was purpose), but I'm not brilliant at this so perhaps wait n see if anyone else mentions this.
a young lad astride his stallion. Great image...as spoken from the voice of a boy turning young man.
"look at me pissing, yes pissing" I almost want an exclamation mark to have been used for the repeat
In your swimming pool. Feels like this should be included in the indented speech above
Warm piss cupping cold balls like matron
on scabies inspection in the kids home. This and line above - brilliant
Turned out she liked inspecting balls
as much as I like pool pissing
I learned that piss in bathwater doesn't make soap
lather yellowed or smelly, pissy smelly, Fascinating idea / theory (that I’ve not come across before – I’m assuming it’s a small boy thing)…makes for good detail.
not fragrant smelly like matron is when you rest Matron fragrantly smelly?!- not that I noticed, but perhaps in your world matrons come in a different flavour to the ones I knew…I get a mental pic of the character (Granville) from “open all hours” resting his head in the bosoms of Nurse Gladys Emanuel, type thing going on during chesty cough inspection. Very amusing.
your hands on her stout shoulders
and cough as she says
"cough,"
and sighs.
I remember the ammoniac smell of piss
stained sheets piled on bare floorboards,
a mountain of light brown and crisp white.
A mountain of piss.
The final stanza has an altogether darker and sadder tone than the others. It almost feels like it belongs to a different poem. The main block of the poem reads as the voice of small boy’s version of a piss take on authority; this then also with an older voice of hindsight into the juvenile (self) period of sexual experimentation. The combined effect for me (& the feed in from the title) produced the sense that this was a backwards glance at childhood behaviour and within this some dark days that were toughed out with exceptional character and inner strength…& now these times have been put into a healthy perspective and can be laughed at. (The last stanza feels too raw to be part of this).
As usual a highly original and entertaining read from you.
Hope the comments are of some help or at least interesting AJ.