Redemption (1st Revision)

[swan~dive]

Redemption
The vengefulness of your long awaited redemption
follows through with painstaken precision.
Motionlessly, immobilization and incarceration
suppresses your heart-beat with nervousness.
The endeavor is spellbinding throughout the
uppermost of your mind.
Yet, it may be awfully frightening ... but nevertheless,
your redemption will come to pass.

-Robbie Reaper

Hi there, this will be my first critique so I will for the most part be limiting my feedback to your use of language and grammar, as well as clarity of meaning. I don't feel a connection to or have an emotional response to this poem, but I'll leave that for others to address as I'm new to this and don't know if I have the tools yet to specifically and helpfully address that side of things.

Some points:

- If I'm not mistaken, "painstaken" is not a word. I believe you meant to say "painstaking"

- In lines 3-4, if *both* immobilization and incarceration are suppressing their heartbeat, the correct verb would be "suppress", not "suppresses". Also, how are these things "motionlessly" suppressing their heart beat (maybe something to expand upon?), and if it is "with nervousness", isn't being nervous something that would generally *raise* the heartbeat?

- "The endeavor is spellbinding throughout the uppermost" *what* "of your mind"? The uppermost level? The uppermost plane of consciousness? Or even just the "uppermost part of your mind" would work. There needs to be a noun there.

- In lines 7-8, you use "yet" and "but nevertheless" in the same sentence. This is redundant and confusing. There is also a superfluous comma after "yet". I have to wonder if this was maybe a typo. Did you mean to type "Yes, it may be awfully frightening... but nevertheless"? This line would make a lot more sense if that were the case. Also, it is just my opinion that the phrase "but nevertheless" is redundant itself, and should just read "nevertheless".

- Finally, the last line in the poem does not make sense to me as it negates the entire rest of the poem. The first lines establish that the redemption you speak of *is* happening, in the present tense, and the entire poem is about the effect this redemption is having on the one being redeemed... the last line *completely* contradicts the entire basis of the poem by saying "but nevertheless, your redemption will come to pass". *Will* come? We just saw it come, the rest of the poem would not exist if it had not happened yet! Maybe you were going for something else here, but the line just doesn't make sense as is within the framework of the poem.

I hope this was helpful to you, and I wish you luck.

~Mary