Redemption (1st Revision)

[milo]

Redemption
The vengefulness of your long awaited redemption
follows through with painstaken precision.
Motionlessly, immobilization and incarceration
suppresses your heart-beat with nervousness.
The endeavor is spellbinding throughout the
uppermost of your mind.
Yet, it may be awfully frightening ... but nevertheless,
your redemption will come to pass.

-Robbie Reaper

POetry needs some kind of grounding in the concrete, hopefully with imagery.

Here is the list of abstractions in this very short poem:
vengefulness, redemption, precision, immobilization, incarceration, nervousness, endeavor, uppermost

1 or 2 abstractions in a poem this size would probably be too many. As is, it is so overwhelmingly abstract it doesn't give a reader anything to connect to. That is problem #1.

The second problem is much worse - there is nothing poetic here really. There is no attention or even awareness of sound or meter or any other poetic technique, even the linebreaks could be improved by throwing a dart at my computer screen. And for all that, it becomes hopelessly boring to read.

I am sure you are a great person and have lots of talent but I don't see much salvageable here.

Thanks for posting.