Everything

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Hello, this is my first attempt at a poem. Thought I'd take a stab at it, bit shabby but ah well.

I've called it Everything because it's a bit of everything. I do welcome any type of feedback and please be brutally honest!

Here it is:

"Everything that's around you is subject to change,
It's something I've learnt in this day and age,

"learned" is better.

But you've gotta take control and create the next page,

This is vague, next page to what? life? a book?

All that seems to matter is the sum of your wage.

I see a vague rhythm and it isn't a set rhythm.

With every opportunity there's a little to miss,
little what to miss?
These past few years I've compiled a list:
Friends, family and the unknown of the mist,
I can be profound but I hope you get the jist.

don't really get it. I get your trying to rhyme but the depth just isnt here so far.

4 walls, a floor, a door and a ceiling,
should be "four"
This is where I show how I'm really feeling,
When it's too much the outer layer starts peeling,
If you wanna help, be prepared for some heaving.
still lacking a directional intent, I can get what your implying in a vague sense of things. But, I am really missing something that should be invoked by you.

This society needs a bit of a fix,
There's young girls who aspire to be sticks.
A tummy tuck, boob job, maybe a face lift
None of that, be happy with what you were faced with."

The direction isn't here and after reading, I don't really have a concrete connection with the piece.
Thanks for checking it out.

I believe you could keep your rhythm but, also convey a more potent message in what your saying. This piece lacks imagery or sense of surroundings. It doesn't really tell me anything except that everything around you is subject to change. The direction of the piece was exactly that. I believe You got potential to create some really good poetry if you can reach that depth and convey it. I would try posting in Novice for awhile and reading poetry in Novice, Mild and Serious before you write again. Maybe open your mind up to the possibilities of what you can do, and what you can add into your rhyme scheme to make it more efficient in rhyming and also giving it a concrete depth that sticks with the reader.
It is also proper etiquette to give feedback on poetry in either Novice, Mild or Serious before posting poetry for critique. Welcome to the forum and your poem felt a little like "Rage against the machine" to me.