Everything

[milo]

Hello, this is my first attempt at a poem. Thought I'd take a stab at it, bit shabby but ah well.

I've called it Everything because it's a bit of everything. I do welcome any type of feedback and please be brutally honest!

I would think you would post your first attempt at a poem in the Novice section as that is where you would get the feedback most helpful to your skill level

Here it is:

"Everything that's around you is subject to change,
It's something I've learnt in this day and age,
But you've gotta take control and create the next page,
All that seems to matter is the sum of your wage.

Did you know that mathematically you can't sum 1 item, or rather you can and it is always 1? The first line is a generalisation and an overused cliche one at that. learnt is archaic. gotta isn't even a word. next page? what is that? All that seems to matter is prosaic and weak

With every opportunity there's a little to miss,
These past few years I've compiled a list:
Friends, family and the unknown of the mist,
I can be profound but I hope you get the jist.

you are not using any imagery, creative language or any poetic techniques other than rhyme throughout, and the rhyme is terrible. A little what to miss? What past few years? Why are you compliling this list? The "unknown of the mist"? Really?

4 walls, a floor, a door and a ceiling,
This is where I show how I'm really feeling,
When it's too much the outer layer starts peeling,
If you wanna help, be prepared for some heaving.

This society needs a bit of a fix,
There's young girls who aspire to be sticks.
A tummy tuck, boob job, maybe a face lift
None of that, be happy with what you were faced with."

Thanks for checking it out.

it kind of goes on in the least poetic way possible, listing some generalizations that seem to matter to some narrator in as disconnected a way as possible. There is never really anything new or interesting around the corner and the forced rhymes make the experience painful.

Keep at it, but start with the basics. Read some modern poetry and find out what works and what doesn't. It is not /what/ you say, poetry is not a message to be stated bald faced to readers but a journey and poets are wordsmiths - masters of language that construct word experiences as skillfully as possible.

milo

I thought you might know the "unknown of the mist"
but like me you just work for a wage.
For a moment, time stopped, and 2 strangers kissed -
I thought you might know. The unknown of the missed
opportunities, 2 strangers pass and then cease to exist
as another 2 exit the stage.
I thought you might know the unknown. Of the mist -
but like me you just work for a wage.