Night's Sleep

[cidermaid]

Hi Emily...don't forget to offer some comments on the poems of others.

Overall I thought your poem lacked any real story development and the images you gave me where not strong enough to stand alone without a story thread.
I'll offer a couple of notes on some of the lines.

His soft golden hair soaked slightly in a sleeper's sweat. Perhaps a comma and not a period at the end of the line.
Caresses my cold shoulder as we are dimmed by artificial light. If suggestion used then take out capitol C. I got this image (I like to be cold at night and sleep on top of the sheets and Hubby is like a mini funace but says he is cold despite multiple coverings - so i got this one. Totally relatable to me He's in a sweat under lots of blankets and I'm cool) Also think that perhaps there is a hint of image / comment about thier respective emotional responses to each other...but it is not well enough defined to really come through.
His broad silhouette is hidden by black blankets, engulfing his form, distorting it from view.
He hunches his shoulders slowly while his is stirred from his slumber softly. Softly feels un-needed.
A part of tousled hair hangs across his flushed cheek.
His flushed cheek.
Painted by night's sleep. Was not sure what effect or thought you wanted to capture in the last 3 lines. It feels like you ran out of ideas or steam to finish the poem and just trailed off.

All the best AJ.