06-22-2013, 07:40 PM
There is a lot to like in this poem. It has a lovely rythem and pace. I also particularly like the first line...well the whole of the first stanza in particular.
Billy mentions a villanelle. Your poem made me think it was leaning towards a sestina or rather a tritina and i thought it would be easy and perhaps fun to turn it into one of these, as i felt the repitition would be an echo of the alone element. This said it works well as you have produced it so far. My only crit at this stage would be that I would have liked the odd line to be a syllable longer / shorter in a couple of lines to make it a consistant 13 count. (sorry i'm OCD about syllables sometimes - given my count below...have been known to be wrong before so check for yourself).
St1 L2 = 14
St3 L1 = 14
St4 L2 = 12
st5 L1= 12
Overall very nice.
AJ.
Billy mentions a villanelle. Your poem made me think it was leaning towards a sestina or rather a tritina and i thought it would be easy and perhaps fun to turn it into one of these, as i felt the repitition would be an echo of the alone element. This said it works well as you have produced it so far. My only crit at this stage would be that I would have liked the odd line to be a syllable longer / shorter in a couple of lines to make it a consistant 13 count. (sorry i'm OCD about syllables sometimes - given my count below...have been known to be wrong before so check for yourself).
St1 L2 = 14
St3 L1 = 14
St4 L2 = 12
st5 L1= 12
Overall very nice.
AJ.