06-21-2013, 08:00 AM
with the change of a word, the end two line are exponentially better.
the beginning of the 2nd reads much better also.
the 1st line of the poem also benefits for the mall change you made.
it's good you sorted out the bed cliche in the last as well.
the small price line also works better at breaking up a cliche.
a good edit. also good to see you keeping things in the poem you felt should stay. this act alone shows others that suggestions are just that and that the poet has the ultimate choice in a workshop environment in creating their own poem however they wish
the beginning of the 2nd reads much better also.
the 1st line of the poem also benefits for the mall change you made.
it's good you sorted out the bed cliche in the last as well.
the small price line also works better at breaking up a cliche.
a good edit. also good to see you keeping things in the poem you felt should stay. this act alone shows others that suggestions are just that and that the poet has the ultimate choice in a workshop environment in creating their own poem however they wish