Rebekka

[milo]

I can't do line by line here, because I don't have a keyboard, but lines like "I will not betray you" or even word like tormented tell and not show. "Upturn the nothingness" why don't you describe the photos so the reader can make his/her own inferences. If you provide the right details the reader might empathize. Even when you refer to the coffee cup you could let physical descriptions demonstrate the metaphorical significance. After you say the cup is chinked and scarred the rest might degrade the image.

I think you are confused by the old "show don't tell" mantra. It is not axiomatic, it is a suggestion to use imagery in your writing, which I am comfortable that there is here.

Lines like "I will not betray you" precede a stanza of imagery that refers back to that. You have to trust you readers to either do some of the work themselves or languish. Also, you don't wasnt to get caught up in describing every detail unless there is a symbolic significance to the central metaphor. Here, the photographs are the image and the symbolism, describing them in detail would be distracting and not add to the poem in any way.

You may have some points. Aphorisms can be mooring and dominating, but unless you think the poem is perfect, you might want to consider taking a crack at revising it. I think details can be more powerful than we think they are.

I don't think it is perfect and I have actually done some revision since then (04/30). I just think the direction you are steering is not one that I am interested in taking it.

Bigger problems here seem to be mixed metaphors and unclear narrrative