Death on our Roads

[tectak]

Hy wystan,
There is a whole lot wrong with this but I am careful not to offend what may be your vernacular approach. Now, that last line I wrote was deliberately incorrect. By intent, you knew what I meant; I did not wish to offend "you", but what I said was I did not wish to offend your approach. In your piece this kind of thing crops up too often to be by design. It rather seems as if you make errors.
We shall see.
Best,
tectak

For cyclists on our roads, the threat of death is all-too real: "all-too" is wordy. Superfluous. It is real or it is perceived erroneously.
people make it all the time. Here we go. What do people make. The threat, the roads, "the" death? Poor language control.Needs tightening up."
Like how we ask for it without a helmet and Skoolboy english like what is spoke. Appalling if you cannot see the errors. What is "like" what, innit? Do we take our helmet off to ask? That is what you say.
when the clown says how the surgeons call us “donors.” What clown? How DO the surgeons call us donors...and what is it like? I have forgotten what I am metaphorically linking to.You say that surgeons call us donors is like asking for it without a helmet. Huh? You MUST get your thoughts clear before committing to print...or at the very least, show respect for the forum by correcting before posting

One 3am, this cop pursued me through three reds
on empty City streets I know like lanes: I can only just squeeze meaning out of this. I believe you are speaking street. I hope you are but I cannot relate to knowing anything like a lane. You are trying for simile/metaphor but by blatancy you loose the subtle essence of clarification. I am left wondering if there is any gap in my knowledge which if only I knew a lane or two would suffice to fill.
He said, this late, a drunk would run me down
if I got by with just my eyes and ears. This lacks veracity because it is nonsense.

Another one, last midnight, shouted: “halt!” Another WHAT? Another drunk? Another eye,ear or throat? Huge disconnect. And why whisper "halt!", Halt is a complete sentence so needs the benefit of a capital letter. You should not make basic errors in Serious Crit.
as I tried nosing round a long, stopped truck
of steel bound for Molloch’s next erection. Hmm. Anywhere near Viagra Falls
“A bit of common sense” he said
“...or you'll go under it.”
“Like that?” I snapped, “comply or die?” To attempt dialogue this late comes as a shock until the errors jump out. Better avoid if you are unsure how to punctuate. Maybe repost in mild?

Freud said, “Every fear contains a wish.” No. He didn't. "When we fear things I think that we wish for them ... every fear hides a wish." DAVID MAMET, Edmond

And so the cabbie raging at my U-turn tighter
than his cab’s must win some prize for
being actualised: I would bin the previous stanzas and just post this. I am though, informed by the use of "actualised" in this way...but you do not give me confidence so I shall look it up....as I assume you did I looked it up. It is a good word but the wrong word. What ARE you trying to say? Help.
“I hope you die!"

....and well I might.

Best,
tectak