Old Dogs Edit 0.001 svan Edit1 wystan,milo

[wystan1000]

Great. Look forward to it... FYI when I say rhythm is broken, I mean when it's fallen out of iambics, not that there aren't enough feet. But sure you knew that's what I meant (?)
Oh well let's have a look after the edit.

A new word!

Thanks for ALL of this but I am a mycologist and pedant to boot. SPORES are "tiny seeds" (or not, actually), SPOOR is the scent and signs of critters!
Best,
I will get back. Tectak.

Hi wystan,
OK. If anything is not clear it is my failing. I take the rap because I don't do profound. So if I explain and it is still not clear, I will need to change it. Whilst I accept that the reader has to put some effort into translation, I believe that the onus is on the writer to make clear....some disagree. Fine.
So:
"Shadowed but by scent alive." It is evening. There are shadows. There are scents. The place is alive with rabbits. That's all.
She looks to me for height and vision. Agreed. "Height hence vision..." clarifies. She knows that I can see further than her because my eyes are...er....higher than hers
"I tilt the sun from ageing eyes". I tilt my eyes down/away from the low sun. Yes. Old eyes DO suffer from bright light more than young eyes!
"Goad"? No. "Please", yes. My call on this one I don't do dog goading.
"Each chase is..." I canot see the broken rhythm and so I must be reading it with a mid-atlantic accent. This is straight octameter with a 16 syllable count. Once I get to octameter I tend to stray in other stanzas because there is a very strong tendency to read the bloody thing out loud and with this many feet I have chance to bend things a little to fit. It is much more difficult with short lines....hence long lines! You may still be correct but I just can't see it in this line.
Spoor, spore. yes. Well. My field. Say no more.
"By accidental dental..." Yes. Too clever by half. You are right. The pun is ill-placed though very apposite. It happens as described. Often. The rest of this line may require looking at but again, I read it 8 metric feet. I will read it again as written. Yep. Still get 16.Help.
Sure is myxy. Prevalent right now. Mercy killings abound. I shorten "quarry" to (almost) one syllable as "kwory" not "kwa-ree"
"No matter that each death..." Yes. "Matter" is the problem. It has negative implications whereas I was trying to say that the dog kills quickly but not through any virtuosity. So "No blessing that each death is sudden" it will become. Very good catch. Thanks.
The rest will be worked on.
Hope I clarify rather than irritate.
Thanks again.
Best,
tectak
You will be credited on the edit