Old Dogs Edit 0.001 svan Edit1 wystan,milo

[tectak]

Hi I really like the subject of this poem. It will resonate with a lot of people. I miss my dog, Jake. Although he got senile and annoying. Anywho.

What do I feel about the form and the handling? I think it is partially successful, but it is undone by a certain lack of clarity. And I think that comes from the exigencies of the metre, which calls on you to keep packing more and more detail into a line. Also quite often the metre falls down because your stresses are in the wrong place. I've made some suggestions about fixes, but I couldn't make some because I wasn't sure what you were saying and couldn't paraphrase. Of course it is OK to dick around with the metre, if you want to make an effect (particularly to put the stress on a particular word) but there are some words that are stressed but less stressy than others, and it's all relative to the neighbouring words. I'm sure you know all this but it wasn't quite clear you did in this piece.

We go to nose the evening rabbit; shadowed, though by scent alive. don't understand
She looks to me for height why does she care about your height as such? Unclear and vision, I tilt the sun from ageing eyes do ageing eyes have more trouble with the sun than young eyes? Somehow a bit unhappy this
and please goad? her with excited gestures, hoping for a hopping prey.
An old dog, yes, but stiff with purpose, joints still slide oddwhen bid “Away!”
to shoot through grass and fallow fields, to race the wind behind her tail.
Each chase is lose "is" one less disappointment - hope that joy will never fail. like another reader, wasn't clear about this so couldn't quite fix the rhythm, which is broken here.[b/]

The evening gust blows sound to ribbons, splits the spoor of every kind,[b]spoors are tiny seeds and can't be split by the wind
so coursing comes with sought-for quarry, but these days only brave and blind rabbits? myxy? Confused ... the rhythm is broken
will feel the just and gentle jaws, : light holding but without remorse.
By accidental dental clench clunky[b/], she puzzles to observe life force [b]the life
depart from what was once a plaything, destined to run one that once ran fast and free,
but now hangs ragged, limp and broken, swollen-eyed by bites of flea. sounds like myxy![b/]

No matter that each death is sudden [b]What matters it that death is sudden, merciful in tight-toothed screams; unclear
for lose this old girl there are has got no virtues, only to serve her master’s dreams. she just wants to serve the boss
She lose has no thoughts of slow tomorrows, the day is all her moments summed,
but I, in sadness, saw ambition slowly fail once she succumbed
to hang-dog ways; too close to burrow, or too far to make the run
she looks to me and I smile on her…and she and I get old as one.
Looking at me, I smile at her. She and I are old as one

Tectak
July 2013

Aaaaawwwwww

Thanks for ALL of this but I am a mycologist and pedant to boot. SPORES are "tiny seeds" (or not, actually), SPOOR is the scent and signs of critters!
Best,
I will get back. Tctak.