She Is Pregnant

[wystan1000]

Your pain and disappointment at Milo's critique might come from the fact that you thought you had conveyed something clearly, but you hadn't. I had this for a long time. I guess many inept poets have. It probably comes from a desire to use weighty language for whatever reason.
But you will look back at this and laugh. I mean, how do we make sure we get something across? Well, we make sure we know what we are trying to say and then say it as clearly as possible using economical, contemporary, suitable language. Poetry isn't any different. Why should it be?
Good luck.

The fear of impregnation
Anticipation of hue and cry "fear", "anticipation, "feebleness", "exixtence", "fear" - all abstraction is such a short passage of time. Modern poets need grounding in the concrete. Use imagery and fresh, crisp details as well as sonics and poetic devices to capture your reader.
The feeblness of her existence
The fear of outcry

Absent her will to confront
The unpreparedness
Of her demeanour
Oh! So unprecedented

Shovel loads of raven infatuation
Blazing ambers
All but defenseless
Equipped with a daring ploy
To seed her with ecstasy
Bundled up
With guilty heathen pleasures

There

She is pregnant
Pregnant with joy

This isn't really a poem at all but a list of abstractions. It is so abstract the abstractions are actually modified with more abstractions. Double modified at that. I couldn't find a single salvageable phrase, image or concept in the while thing. I read it through 10 times and each time was a chore. I never learned anything about the narrator (other than that they should read a little poetry before writing) or the elusive "she". Yah, maybe it is a dog, maybe a doe. All i know is that she is overcome with conflicting abstractions.

I just wish there was some solid narrative, some clever usage of language, a single concrete image or any poetic device at all employed here.

I am sure you are a great person but maybe you should work this through the novice forums or try a couple practice exercises before serious.

milo

Pregnant, fat and full of joys
she spends the afternoon at knitting.
When she was thin she kissed the boys;
pregnant. Fat and full of joys
a baby is all burps and toys
and cries and sucks and endless shitting.
Pregnant, fat and full of joys
she spends the afternoon at knitting.

Thanks, Milo. I loved your version of the poem. And I am not laughing (actually I did a little, but in a good way.) It breaks my heart that you felt it was too abstract. Since this is my first submission to this forum and I didn't anticipate such a strong critique looking at rest of the threads; I will try to be more considerate in my future submissions to not hurt anyone's sentiments, but that's not a promise, because partly the purpose of a poem is to evoke strong emotions in readers and unless I am completely delusional I feel it may have provoked you in some way, which is a little achievement in itself. Don't you think? I am grateful though for the time you spent analyzing this poem. And I will try to rescue my reputation a little. The poem is not about her, whoever "she" is. The poem is also not an attempt to amuse or to paint a concrete picture of a subject. This poem is an attempt to leave the reader with a strong feeling of passionate desire and to create a visual of immense joy. May be it fails to do that on both counts for you but I would like to hear what others have to say.