She Is Pregnant

[remotemethod]

This isn't really a poem at all but a list of abstractions. It is so abstract the abstractions are actually modified with more abstractions. Double modified at that. I couldn't find a single salvageable phrase, image or concept in the while thing. I read it through 10 times and each time was a chore. I never learned anything about the narrator (other than that they should read a little poetry before writing) or the elusive "she". Yah, maybe it is a dog, maybe a doe. All i know is that she is overcome with conflicting abstractions.

I just wish there was some solid narrative, some clever usage of language, a single concrete image or any poetic device at all employed here.

I am sure you are a great person but maybe you should work this through the novice forums or try a couple practice exercises before serious.

milo

Pregnant, fat and full of joys
she spends the afternoon at knitting.
When she was thin she kissed the boys;
pregnant. Fat and full of joys
a baby is all burps and toys
and cries and sucks and endless shitting.
Pregnant, fat and full of joys
she spends the afternoon at knitting.

Thanks, Milo. I loved your version of the poem. And I am not laughing (actually I did a little, but in a good way.) It breaks my heart that you felt it was too abstract. Since this is my first submission to this forum and I didn't anticipate such a strong critique looking at rest of the threads; I will try to be more considerate in my future submissions to not hurt anyone's sentiments, but that's not a promise, because partly the purpose of a poem is to evoke strong emotions in readers and unless I am completely delusional I feel it may have provoked you in some way, which is a little achievement in itself. Don't you think? I am grateful though for the time you spent analyzing this poem. And I will try to rescue my reputation a little. The poem is not about her, whoever "she" is. The poem is also not an attempt to amuse or to paint a concrete picture of a subject. This poem is an attempt to leave the reader with a strong feeling of passionate desire and to create a visual of immense joy. May be it fails to do that on both counts for you but I would like to hear what others have to say.

don't worry about your 'reputation', I have written much worse. If your poem is ready for serious critique, post it to serious, but be warned, we rarely offer the 'warm and fuzzies' in serious as this is the place serious work shopping is done!!

Good luck.

Thanks!