Once were

[milo]

To be honest a lot of this didn't make a lot of sense to me, which never really bothers me at all but it does make it harder to comment in this instance.

First, my version of the interpretation as I see this is in vogue now. I read that it was about fame or such - yippee!!, I still don't get that. I saw "you" as an iPOD!!! yes, the life of an ipod, born in a chinese factory, shouts and flashes on the "floor" (the factory flooor), you come in a box, the "Apple" label we all know by osmosis the added value, etc.

ok, enough of that. I had a problem with the "big" words, not because they are big words, but because they felt clumsily handled, shoe-horned in with no new "poet's" touch or feeling which is a surprise from you. (This was osmosis, centrifuged and quiddity). I liked the idea of finger-painted stripes, but only seeing them with eyes closed(?) ruined the whole image for me, imaginary finger painted stripes!! My favorite part was "iMemories" - very current, I have a feeling the word built the poem and I have a feeling it will build another.

thanks for the read.

Cheers!

milo

Sorry milo, I missed this. All valid points, though without specific suggestions for editing I presume the message is to pulp this and start again -- a fair enough conclusion also. Cheers for the feedback.

No, I wouldn't recommend that. If you have a specific message you want conveyed, I would say edit for clarity, otherwise disregard that whole discussion. As to the the other parts, if the areas work for you, of course keep them. For me, it lacked the deftness of language that I require from you, there are others that I probably wouldn't have even mentioned it on.