06-14-2013, 07:38 AM
Quote:We go to nose the evening rabbit, shadowed, though by scent alive.
She looks to me for height and vision, I tilt the sun from ageing eyes
A semicolon's needed after the initial independent clause at least, though I think a period would vary the sentence length a little more for the reader.
and please her with excited gestures, hoping for a hopping prey.
An old dog, yes, but stiff with purpose, joints still slide when bid “Away!”
Maybe modulate the pause to be a little longer after "purpose" using an em dash.
to shoot through grass and fallow fields, to race the wind behind her tail.
Each chase is one less disappointment, one hope that joy will never fail.
It took a second to figure out what you meant by "hope". First I read it like, "One (used as a subject) hope(s) that joy (the chase) will never fail." Then I realized you meant "one less disappointment, one (more) hope that joy will never fail."
The evening gust blows sound to ribbons, splits the spoor of every kind,
so coursing comes with every quarry, but these days only brave and blind
will feel the just and gentle jaws, light holding but without remorse.
By accidental dental clench, she puzzles to observe life force
depart from what was once a plaything, destined to run fast and free,
but now hangs ragged, limp and broken, swollen-eyed by bite of flea.
The two long sentences in a row had good imagery, but got a little wearying.
No matter that each death is sudden, merciful in tight-toothed screams;
for this old girl there are no virtues, only to serve her master’s dreams.
She has no thoughts of slow tomorrows, the day is all her moments summed,
but I, in sadness, saw ambition slowly fail once she succumbed
to hang-dog ways; too close to burrow or too far to make the run
she looks to me and I smile on her…and she and I get old as one.
The "dog years" and "man years" don't quite match up quantitatively (7:1), with masters outliving several dogs, but if you were both really old, I could go for it. At least it's not about a man and wife growing old together. Been done.