Lines of Communication

[tectak]

We should be able to talk this one out, you and I. -We do not know anything about the narrator or the "you."
In this space and time we move together; - So this is in a train why not mention some details about the train. well, it's not about the train
but things in common? Well, we have nothing. - What are things in common that you could be sharing?see previous comment re things in common
Will that do? I could talk to you about that.
I like the way you smile when you read, - I think you can say this more creatively I know you have the potential lexicon.Sure. I try here to keep the thing at the narrator's level...which may not be the same as mine(or yours)
I can’t help it. I could watch you until
you look up. Look at me. I’m not looking at you.
I’m looking at the window. - What do you see out the window are there objects you're seeing that could explain the narrator's mental state. Not looking out...looking at..ahaaa!

We should be able to say hello without suggesting more
than one word should reasonably mean. I’ll start.
No. You start. It’s better if this process begins in your head.
Crazy people talk to strangers and I am not crazy;
but if you say hello, well, I think you should know
that I won’t think less of you.
I can see you in the window but now and then I lose you
to a tree or a black stone wall. - I lose you to a tree or a black stone wall-- that I like.

We can’t go on like this. We really must talk. I need you...
to tell me why you smile whenever you read your book;
but I shouldn’t ask. Hey, you did it again. I can see the corners
of your mouth out of the corner of my eye. You are not reading.
Hello is coming…I almost said it. A bridge just passed by.
Bridge and moment link and both are down the line.-A bridge just passed by, Bridge and moment link and both are down the line. -- this is one of the better parts of the poem.
Well, that’s just fine. Say nothing. We’ll just sit here.
“Hello”. “Oh, hello, I was just thinking….”


Tectak
June 2013

Hello Tectak,

This poem reminds me of the Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot. Though I am not indicting the narrator here. It seems two people are sitting at a train and neither have the courage to start up a conversation. I'd like to see more details on the train, more creative language and less abstract language. I had some trouble critiquing this one. I wish I could give you some more.

Yes to Prufrockian. This is very much a cutie. Not heavyweight stuff and could even be banal...but isn't that apposite? Thanks brownlie. I note that you are very much in to concept and translational crit so appreciate your thinking time.
Best,
tectak