War Memorials Edit 3 (Billy, Milo, and Tectack)

[billy]

unless it's a refrain of some sort sort, it's classed as repetition in most cases. what makes it worse than normal is that they're end of line words which makes them stand out much more than normal. (in answer to your last post.) you also use shrines twice, there are a lot of So's in the last section and i'm not sure if the rhyme scheme in that section is correct, (what does soldiers rhyme with?) i can't say anything really that milo hasn't already mentioned apart from keep practising iambic if you want it to come easier. i think you're doing a great job in coming to terms with workshopping

Edit Version:

Go Visit our shrines to battle, so you [le so] are two unstressed syllables.[our shrines] are two stressed syls. (not iambic)
can find embalming bodies bleaching dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries comma after marble
are mute. In placid pools of absent rue
the utter sounds of tragedy ring untrue.
In stone sepulchers, crafted bodies lie.
Displayed as husks these frozen bodies dry
the dying men of blood that Bled for you.

So we erected shrines to gods of war.
So we can build our young men brave. So they
can march to mummy tunes erected brave
and if they are not statuesque as myths
the young who dare not fight become with war
enamored. Wishing they were stony myths.



Original:

If you visit our shrines to warriors you
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries
are muted. In placid pools no one rues
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true.
In holy sepulchers false bodies lie.
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you?

So we have erected shrines to our war gods.
So we can build our young men heroes. So they
can march to mummified tunes and be brave.
and if they are not brave let myths torture
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers.