War Memorials Edit 3 (Billy, Milo, and Tectack)

[Brownlie]

Yes, I should have been more careful about the rhyme statement. After you have done your first hundred or so feel free to mess around, till then it might be best to master the rules, so to speak, before you start breaking them.

If you visit our shrines to warriors you IFyou VIsit Our SHRINESto WARi ORSyou - Trochaic Hexameter
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry. willFIND emBALMED BOdies BLEACHEDDRY - iamb, iamb, trochee, spondee - four feet
In plaster casts of marble dying cries inPLAS terCASTS ofMAR bleDY ingCRIES ***IP***
are muted. In placid pools no one rues areMU tedinPLA cidPOOLS NOone RUES iamb, anapest, iamb, troche, m.ending - 4 feet
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true. theUT terSOUNDs ofTRA gedyRING ingTRUE - iamb iamb iamb anapest inamb - 5 feet - ip, odd sub
In holy sepulchers false bodies lie. inHO lysePUL chersFALSE BODies LIE - iamb anapest iamb troche m.end 4 feet
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry disPLAYED CORPses withFRO zenBO diesDRY - iamb, troch, iamb, iamb, iamb - ip com. sub
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you? theDEAD MENof theirBLOOD BLEDfor YOU - iamb, troch, iamb, troch, m.end

So we have erected shrines to our war gods. soWE haveerEC tedSHRINES toO urWAR gods - iamb, anapest, iamb, troch, iam f.end - 5 feet mixed meter
So we can build our young men heroes. So they soWE canBUILD ourYOUNG menHE roessoTHEY - iamb, iamb, iamb, iamb, anapest - ip oddsub.
can march to mummified tunes and be brave. canMARCH toMUM iffiedTUNES andbeBRAVE - iamb, iamb, anapest, anapest - 4 feet mixed meter
and if they are not brave let myths torture andIF theyARE notBRAVE letMYTHS TORture - 4 iambs 1 troch - oddsub.
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave theYOUNG whoDO notFIGHT letTHEM allCRAVE - ***IP***
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers. GLOry WONfrom SLAughter WEcre ATESOLD iers - troch, troch, troch, troch, spond, f.end - TP com.sub


There is the diagram for you, try to fix it, if you can't, I can "pad" to perfect ip and then you can just sub words for the words I put in.

I am going to try to work it out but if it is not a total waste of your time I'd like to see how you would "pad" it to perfect.

Here I will do the octet for you:

So If you visit shrines to soldiers, you
will find the bodies, left to bleach and dry.
In plaster casts of marble, every cry
is muted. Placid pools won't shirk or rue
the sounds of tragedy as it rings true.
In chaste sepulchers false-laid bodies lie.
Displayed as corpses, bodies ossify
and heroes turn to stone for you to view.


I can't really do the sestet properly as you are missing a rhyme for "gods", you will need to reconcile that or I will end up re-writing the whole thing.

Thank you for your efforts Milo I relied heavily on your commments concerning the meter of the poem. Ossify would have been a great word to use in this poem. I still think that the edited version has some problems with the meter I would like you to take another look if you have the time.