06-13-2013, 12:04 AM
(06-12-2013, 11:57 PM)wystan1000 Wrote: Yes, I like this a lot. A few things to be absolutely sure about... there is a feeling that you watch him or her read her book a lot, that this has happened more than once. Is this intended?Thanks for this wystan,
You have nothing in common - this seems very definite. Do you mean you don't know if you do have anything in common?
The last line ... I'm not sure whether this is really happening or not. Either way. I don't think it really adds anything. Also "well, that's just fine" - is this ironic? I'm guessing. It could take a exclamation mark. If not, it's not fine ... perhaps I am suggesting there could be more of an emotional direction, of discovery ... you notice him / her and gradually the silence / attraction fills the room (for you) until it's all you can think about (although you are projecting this onto him / her who is reading book) and then what ...? Does this make sense? Other than that I like the meter and flow and all.
I never try to fathom other people's poems but say if I think it is rubbish
... I guess that's me in a minority. To let les autres concentrate on the grammar, syntax etc I should say that this is an asexual couple in a train carriaige (that dates me!) who have never met. Complete strangers. Pick your sex.Best,
tectak
PS I added ellipses end of L1, S3. I felt you made a point for me.
(06-12-2013, 11:57 PM)wystan1000 Wrote: Yes, I like this a lot. A few things to be absolutely sure about... there is a feeling that you watch him or her read her book a lot, that this has happened more than once. Is this intended? Yes. It seems to me to be quintessential to emphasise the poverty of the relationship. See end
You have nothing in common - this seems very definite. Do you mean you don't know if you do have anything in common? Again...up for grabs. Nothing in common EXCEPT they have nothing in common. I thought about this as an opening gambit once...and tried it. I have been married to her now for 32 years!
The last line ... I'm not sure whether this is really happening or not. Either way. I don't think it really adds anything. Also "well, that's just fine" - is this ironic? I'm guessing. It could take a exclamation mark. If not, it's not fine ... perhaps I am suggesting there could be more of an emotional direction, of discovery ... you notice him / her and gradually the silence / attraction fills the room (for you) until it's all you can think about (although you are projecting this onto him / her who is reading book) and then what ...? Does this make sense? Other than that I like the meter and flow and all. lines of Communication was a clue...it failed
