War Memorials Edit 3 (Billy, Milo, and Tectack)

[milo]

If you visit our shrines to warriors you
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries This sentence doesn't make sense, is it the superfluous "of"?

are muted. In placid pools no one rues
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true. "ringing true" is forced for whyme and the whole syntax is botched. Maybe comma after rues and "they" instead of "the" would fix

In holy sepulchers false bodies lie. I love the word "sepulchers" which I forgot, prepare to read many more poems with the word sepulcher (actually sepulchral most likely)
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry many of your adjectives are distracting from the reading /displayed/ corpses, etc.
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you?

So we have erected shrines to our war gods.
So we can build our young men heroes. So they
can march to mummified tunes and be brave.
and if they are not brave let myths torture
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers.

Is this your first attempt at a petrarchan? If so, congratulations at working through the form. The slant rhymes didn't bother me like they did the ticcy-taccy one, but the meter is botched up pretty good, I could diagram it for you if you like or pad to perfect meter for you to fix later if it is giving you the buggers.

Thank you for reading Milo, your comments are great. This is the second Petrarchan I've tried to write but I am having trouble with the meter. Any corrections and/or marks to show where it is messed up would be very useful to me. As for the rhymes, I believe perfect rhymes may usually be preferred over slant rhymes unless they sound forced, or perhaps unless you want to emphasize something by using full rhyme more sparsely. Thanks again guys.

Yes, I should have been more careful about the rhyme statement. After you have done your first hundred or so feel free to mess around, till then it might be best to master the rules, so to speak, before you start breaking them.

If you visit our shrines to warriors you IFyou VIsit Our SHRINESto WARi ORSyou - Trochaic Hexameter
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry. willFIND emBALMED BOdies BLEACHEDDRY - iamb, iamb, trochee, spondee - four feet
In plaster casts of marble dying cries inPLAS terCASTS ofMAR bleDY ingCRIES ***IP***
are muted. In placid pools no one rues areMU tedinPLA cidPOOLS NOone RUES iamb, anapest, iamb, troche, m.ending - 4 feet
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true. theUT terSOUNDs ofTRA gedyRING ingTRUE - iamb iamb iamb anapest inamb - 5 feet - ip, odd sub
In holy sepulchers false bodies lie. inHO lysePUL chersFALSE BODies LIE - iamb anapest iamb troche m.end 4 feet
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry disPLAYED CORPses withFRO zenBO diesDRY - iamb, troch, iamb, iamb, iamb - ip com. sub
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you? theDEAD MENof theirBLOOD BLEDfor YOU - iamb, troch, iamb, troch, m.end

So we have erected shrines to our war gods. soWE haveerEC tedSHRINES toO urWAR gods - iamb, anapest, iamb, troch, iam f.end - 5 feet mixed meter
So we can build our young men heroes. So they soWE canBUILD ourYOUNG menHE roessoTHEY - iamb, iamb, iamb, iamb, anapest - ip oddsub.
can march to mummified tunes and be brave. canMARCH toMUM iffiedTUNES andbeBRAVE - iamb, iamb, anapest, anapest - 4 feet mixed meter
and if they are not brave let myths torture andIF theyARE notBRAVE letMYTHS TORture - 4 iambs 1 troch - oddsub.
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave theYOUNG whoDO notFIGHT letTHEM allCRAVE - ***IP***
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers. GLOry WONfrom SLAughter WEcre ATESOLD iers - troch, troch, troch, troch, spond, f.end - TP com.sub


There is the diagram for you, try to fix it, if you can't, I can "pad" to perfect ip and then you can just sub words for the words I put in.