War Memorials Edit 3 (Billy, Milo, and Tectack)

[milo]

If you visit our shrines to warriors you
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries This sentence doesn't make sense, is it the superfluous "of"?

are muted. In placid pools no one rues
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true. "ringing true" is forced for whyme and the whole syntax is botched. Maybe comma after rues and "they" instead of "the" would fix

In holy sepulchers false bodies lie. I love the word "sepulchers" which I forgot, prepare to read many more poems with the word sepulcher (actually sepulchral most likely)
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry many of your adjectives are distracting from the reading /displayed/ corpses, etc.
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you?

So we have erected shrines to our war gods.
So we can build our young men heroes. So they
can march to mummified tunes and be brave.
and if they are not brave let myths torture
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers.

Is this your first attempt at a petrarchan? If so, congratulations at working through the form. The slant rhymes didn't bother me like they did the ticcy-taccy one, but the meter is botched up pretty good, I could diagram it for you if you like or pad to perfect meter for you to fix later if it is giving you the buggers.