War Memorials Edit 3 (Billy, Milo, and Tectack)

[tectak]

If you visit our shrines to warriors you
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries
are muted. In placid pools no one rues
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true.
In holy sepulchers false bodies lie.
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you? there is only a hint of a rhyme scheme in this stanza...not enough fo convince me that you are seriously writing rhyming verse. See end. There are also syntax sorties into the unknown.

So we have erected shrines to our war gods.
So we can build our young men heroes. So they
can march to mummified tunes and be brave.
and if they are not brave let myths torture
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers.

Hi brownlie,
I don't often say this but you would have been better advised by your muse to rhyme this one...why? Well, first of all it is not actually saying anything new in a new way. It is opinionated ( dogmatically so) but not conclusive so there is no acceptable "universal" or absolute truth in it. Your use of the impertinently conditional "so" word clatters the reader through the second stanza but without having given a weighty enough argument to support the conclusions in stanza the first.
In fact, the piece reads rather like an impotent rant which has no trigger...and therein lies the problem.
Without the benefit of a contemporaneous catalyst you write for a reason that I, as the reader, cannot relate to...except, of course, the bits I have read before...many times.
So why rhyme it?
Well, rhyming is a discipline which if done well can bring a new sense of appreciation to what in fact is a rather mundane piece. You will note, I hope, that I am not rubbishing the concept...I am suggesting that there is little else you could add in terms of density or texture. Rhyming it may give it an "edge".
Best,
tectak

I used a rhyme scheme but they are not full rhymes and I believe that contributes to a fault in this piece I guess you would call the rhymes half rhymes or slant rhymes. I tried to maintain the scheme of ABBAABBA CDDECE. If there is an approrpriate place for such rhymes I would be curious to find out. I agree with the opinionated part and I like your point about there not being enough evidence in the first stanza. Thanks for putting some thought into the poem I owe you one.

---

If you visit our shrines to warriors you
will find embalmed bodies bleached dry.
In plaster casts of marble dying cries
are muted. In placid pools no one rues
the utter sounds of tragedy ringing true.
In holy sepulchers false bodies lie.
Displayed corpses with frozen bodies dry
the dead men of their blood. Bled for you? there is only a hint of a rhyme scheme in this stanza...not enough fo convince me that you are seriously writing rhyming verse. See end. There are also syntax sorties into the unknown.

So we have erected shrines to our war gods.
So we can build our young men heroes. So they
can march to mummified tunes and be brave.
and if they are not brave let myths torture
the young who do not fight. Let them all crave
Glory won from slaughter. We create soldiers.

Hi brownlie,
I don't often say this but you would have been better advised by your muse to rhyme this one...why? Well, first of all it is not actually saying anything new in a new way. It is opinionated ( dogmatically so) but not conclusive so there is no acceptable "universal" or absolute truth in it. Your use of the impertinently conditional "so" word clatters the reader through the second stanza but without having given a weighty enough argument to support the conclusions in stanza the first.
In fact, the piece reads rather like an impotent rant which has no trigger...and therein lies the problem.
Without the benefit of a contemporaneous catalyst you write for a reason that I, as the reader, cannot relate to...except, of course, the bits I have read before...many times.
So why rhyme it?
Well, rhyming is a discipline which if done well can bring a new sense of appreciation to what in fact is a rather mundane piece. You will note, I hope, that I am not rubbishing the concept...I am suggesting that there is little else you could add in terms of density or texture. Rhyming it may give it an "edge".
Best,
tectak

I used a rhyme scheme but they are not full rhymes and I believe that contributes to a fault in this piece I guess you would call the rhymes half rhymes or slant rhymes. I tried to maintain the scheme of ABBAABBA CDDECE. If there is an approrpriate place for such rhymes I would be curious to find out. I agree with the opinionated part and I like your point about there not being enough evidence in the first stanza. Thanks for putting some thought into the poem I owe you one.

Cheers...I'll have a large Highland Park.