06-08-2013, 03:00 PM
I find myself here again, looking in the mirror.
Taken aback by this object I hold in my hand...I can feel it.
Looking at my reflection, I start to trace the whiskers on my face,
in awe of every synapse firing, of every tiny prickly hair running across my fingers.
I like this section. It has good subject matter. The only thing I see you could do differently is maybe lose "of " in "every tiny prickly hair"
And then I'm launched at the speed of light
I thin if you start off "Launched at the speed of light" that it would come off cleaner
Into the same reawakening,
I think if you say "Into a reawakening" it'd smooth it up a bit because your using "same" twice as is with the line following this one
the same over-sugared Kool-Aid awareness that I wish I could always possess.
The being I wish I could always be.
I am...me. I live!
With every moment the amazement grows, as my mind races faster.
I think you could shorten up "as my mind races faster" to "my
mind races faster"
I can talk! I can see! I can think!
I want to scream it. I want to be it!
I see and feel my eyes grow wide, with what seems to be unstoppable presence, absolute mental clarity, that delicious rush pushing every thought into overdrive.
My eyes arm themselves with tears, waiting for the signal to deploy.
But as quickly as it comes, it starts to fade.
That moment of raw consciousness, of purest thought, of naked understanding
Drips from my mind and leaves me with a chill down my spine, then through my whole body
And I can't help but let my face melt into a happy, dopey smile
I can see a few changes here' it seem it might read better like this
"As quickly as it comes, it starts to fade.
The moment of raw consciousness, purest thought
Naked understanding drips from my mind, leaving me with a chill down my spine, through my whole body
I can't help but let my face melt into a happy, dopey smile"
Traceable remnants of the rush, fragmented little feelings mold themselves into coherent, meaningful thoughts as the wave subsides,
and they always have a main theme involved.
In that rush, in those fleeting seconds, the universe existed within and around me, and that was more than enough.
In that moment, all was unified. Everything meant one thing and one thing meant everything.
I stare at myself for what feels like another thirty seconds, humbled, amazed, emotionally spent, and almost giddy, shivers tracing the length of my back.
To feel, to be able to stop in these moments and experience myself, the universe, this level of thought, is more of a gift than I could have asked for. I feel privileged. But the truth that comes from these giddy, mentally drained afterthought moments, the truth that is, is that we are all the same, we are all one form of energy, and we are all privileged.
I like it, you could do some work to it to get it better, I didnt mean to dissect your poetry wording and change it up. I did intend to give you an idea of how you can polish it or add to and take away from it as needed. I liked it a little work to it and it will read better.
Taken aback by this object I hold in my hand...I can feel it.
Looking at my reflection, I start to trace the whiskers on my face,
in awe of every synapse firing, of every tiny prickly hair running across my fingers.
I like this section. It has good subject matter. The only thing I see you could do differently is maybe lose "of " in "every tiny prickly hair"
And then I'm launched at the speed of light
I thin if you start off "Launched at the speed of light" that it would come off cleaner
Into the same reawakening,
I think if you say "Into a reawakening" it'd smooth it up a bit because your using "same" twice as is with the line following this one
the same over-sugared Kool-Aid awareness that I wish I could always possess.
The being I wish I could always be.
I am...me. I live!
With every moment the amazement grows, as my mind races faster.
I think you could shorten up "as my mind races faster" to "my
mind races faster"
I can talk! I can see! I can think!
I want to scream it. I want to be it!
I see and feel my eyes grow wide, with what seems to be unstoppable presence, absolute mental clarity, that delicious rush pushing every thought into overdrive.
My eyes arm themselves with tears, waiting for the signal to deploy.
But as quickly as it comes, it starts to fade.
That moment of raw consciousness, of purest thought, of naked understanding
Drips from my mind and leaves me with a chill down my spine, then through my whole body
And I can't help but let my face melt into a happy, dopey smile
I can see a few changes here' it seem it might read better like this
"As quickly as it comes, it starts to fade.
The moment of raw consciousness, purest thought
Naked understanding drips from my mind, leaving me with a chill down my spine, through my whole body
I can't help but let my face melt into a happy, dopey smile"
Traceable remnants of the rush, fragmented little feelings mold themselves into coherent, meaningful thoughts as the wave subsides,
and they always have a main theme involved.
In that rush, in those fleeting seconds, the universe existed within and around me, and that was more than enough.
In that moment, all was unified. Everything meant one thing and one thing meant everything.
I stare at myself for what feels like another thirty seconds, humbled, amazed, emotionally spent, and almost giddy, shivers tracing the length of my back.
To feel, to be able to stop in these moments and experience myself, the universe, this level of thought, is more of a gift than I could have asked for. I feel privileged. But the truth that comes from these giddy, mentally drained afterthought moments, the truth that is, is that we are all the same, we are all one form of energy, and we are all privileged.
I like it, you could do some work to it to get it better, I didnt mean to dissect your poetry wording and change it up. I did intend to give you an idea of how you can polish it or add to and take away from it as needed. I liked it a little work to it and it will read better.