I haven't written anything for about 10 years. What do you think?

[billy]

My spirit is restless tonight.
It is a wild and undulating thing made up of tarnished mechanical bits and pieces
And I cannot sleep.
It moves erratically and unpredictably like some varmint rustling through the leaves.
It seems to freeze in place when I try to lock on to it, its shape or intent. is 'it seems' needed? why not make it more substantive and say 'it freezes'
Only to spasm and jerk into motion showing fleeting glimpses of what it is
What it wants
What it looks like
Where it is broken

---

Revision:



My spirit is restless tonight.
It is a wild and undulating thing made up of tarnished mechanical bits and pieces,
And I cannot sleep.
Its movement erratic and covert like some varmint rustling through the leaves.
It seems to freeze in place when I try to lock on to it, its shape or intent.
Only to spasm and jerk into motion showing fleeting glimpses of what it is
What it wants
What it looks like
Where it is broken

i prefer the one at the top, i'm in agreement that the last three line aren't needed as they stand, and that it would be one of those piece that worked better with punctuation. most of my feedback is just reiteration of what's already been said but often the more that say the same thing, the more likely that's how others will read it.

i did like the poem itself. the mechanical metaphor and image work really well. i like the coldness of being unable to sleep.

please give feedback to other poets