The Eclipse of West Bumblefuck

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I quite like it - and although the punctuation I'm sure improved it (I never saw the original) but you could have an experiment with questions, hyphens, etc. My favourite part is the last line, I think it is very good. I had a bit of a sigh at the 'blood stains' comment - it's too creepy, and it doesn't add anything. I liked the character of the speaker before, and then - uh oh, blood stains. It gets a bit psycho. Apart from that, good start