06-03-2013, 11:47 AM
Hi,
Just a few things I noticed on my read-through..
The first line sounds awkward. How about "I have known her for a long time."?
The second line in the third stanza is also off. Perhaps "She's been dancing and singing the blues with me"?
Also, I think you could trim some of the excess words away.
I have known her for a long time.
I have coexisted and shared moments with her,
Shared a life with her…
But I haven’t befriended her yet.
Just an example, it's your poem
Thanks for the read.
Just a few things I noticed on my read-through..
The first line sounds awkward. How about "I have known her for a long time."?
The second line in the third stanza is also off. Perhaps "She's been dancing and singing the blues with me"?
Also, I think you could trim some of the excess words away.
I have known her for a long time.
I have coexisted and shared moments with her,
Shared a life with her…
But I haven’t befriended her yet.
Just an example, it's your poem

Thanks for the read.

