The Voice (of me)

[serge gurkski]

i really wanted to say wow, but after all the shouting about wow not being enough i did a line by. some of the things are just spelling or punctuation. i think you could go through again just to see if you can improve on those parts. a bit of syntax going astray but i think it's a seriously good write. (apart for the cliched stanza) the hard feeling were palpable at the beginning then got more introspective. it worked.

thanks for a great read.

I write poetry to you, when we talk. is the comma needed?
Why would I, if I did not care?
How could I, if I did not?
You tell me now!
What is next, you ask, I say:would this be better separated from the rest of the stanza to make the answer stand out more.
Not yet written.
the opening certainly sets the poem up, shows conflict which i saw leads into a one sided love rant. it's quite powerful considering it's meagre image, the narration is solid enough to carry it.
.

You can hurt me, but
you are the only one
allowed to
do so.

You should read some Heine:
He talks finely about love
and hurting. the two asides make the emotional pain feel real,

.

On those rare vists to my mind visits
I question myself what I do. 'myself' is redundant; a comma after myself would be better as it allows the 'what i do' to reinforce instead of creating excess.
I take a liking these gloomy days
in other people's love affairs
becauses it soothes me now.it's 'because'; 'now feels to much, is it needed?


You still have a life in front of you
to be filled with new love.
It is just around the corner.
You simply need to look up,
and that is all it takes,
to love life once bloody more. apart from the last line, it's one big cliche made up of little cliche. i like the determined advice of the last line

Just know that I know what I am talking, is 'just know that' needed?
your mock huffy, i have to ask, what's a huffy. does it mean she faking being in a huff? if so, i love it
he says so:
Of course – to spread banalities:
It ain't over till it is
and that is exactly how it is now
with us. the cliche works here so it doesn't grate on me, i like that this is the final stanza and then you start over again. it's how it goes in real life

You know, I think that's fine lyrics is it that's or should it be they're
for just another feels a bit odd syntax wise, is something missing?
to be put down into
living
song.
.


So let there be song:
You say we differ; I ask how.
Is it about the Emerson quotes
about friendship I quoted to you? i suggest some white space after this line
What is it about? and here
Friendship is about:
You don't have to return my favors,
but if you desire so:
Return them to make me return them to you.
.


I read your eyes that ask:
Can we have that
without sex? Really?
.


Get lucky with my shrugs.
.


I write poetry to you, when we talk.
Why would I do that,
if I did not care?

Vutiou believe it: I read you. who/what is Vutiou?
The message I can't send, it simply lies.
I can feel some other one's grief syntax probs, [others/other's grief] should be enough, i'm not sure which
completely.
I just love Italy a big switch i like the way it changes tack from the shouting and creates a calm
because on her coasts
I can feel the breeze,
touching the rumbling waves of the sea.
I can feel a free bird's song in the wind. it feels like freedom is envied and i think it gives some insight into the narrator within the poem.

Too many unsweet attitudes
in peoples these days.
They lost our moon i don't get this line
from which to look down
upon us, them and me.
Once the moon lights up again
they surely will see will surely
what they missed, I am talking
the richness of colorful life, the voice
is meant solely to please them
and ease their, our's, introduction our
to death.

Jean Genet in Miracle de la Rose
with his friend facing the guillotine
played Boetius reborn in order to soothe.
In vain, in vain life and death, too.
In vain for all of us i don't know the guy or the film/book etc but upto this line the stanza rocks
it is to live. for me, this line doesn't work (is excess)

Already covered by Beckett, of course
and may he be cursed because of that:
Leaving no options to choose from
for us to make a fine life,
but instead to sadly accept the fact that we'll die,
having been made so by our maker.
No praises from me for that.
That's our old existentialism Blues. my fave stanza, (if the becket mentioned is tom)

Enough of sweet talking maybe, for now?
Up to get into it, into the real?
Into what matters?
But see: you loose me here,
because nothing really does.

Pra quem não sabe amar
fica esperando* (i'm sort of biased against duel language in poetry unless it's a very very common phrase. so it these two parts don't work for me

Because they do not know love waits for them.

Senhor, piedade,
Lhes dê grandeza e um pouco de coragem *

Lord, have mercy
Give them, us, a bit of grandeur and courage!
.................................................

*from Cazuza's Blues da Piedade lyrics

thank you billy. I ll come back to you. I am just a bit too ummm let us say drunk right now.
Sigh. It is hard to endure ei g stoned sometimes. Would you believe it? ;-)


and also my left knuckle? you know the feet bones, they hurt. Must have fallin down last nite.

Guess I am better gonna have to
chzeck out my love,
check out my me
checking out yout
(No. not you billy)

I am just preparing
for fresh lying.

wtf

cheers

serge

Wow, Sirs, just found an incredible Buddy Guy performance

you ll see.
;-)

---

oh billy: re wow.

would have been ok too. ;-))))))
cheers

---

billy, mean person you, look:

your mock huffy, i have to ask, what's a huffy. does it mean she faking being in a huff? if so, i love it

yes exactly so. why did you ask when you knewit alrwady.

Come on, women!
(and lets better leave Leanne out of this)