Static Electricity

[billy]

i'm never keen on centre aligned poems so when i see one it's like an automatic first glance dislike. they also make feedback look like bird shit after that i fight to put my prejudiced to one side. i think the title works, if only for the fact that fireflies sometimes don't move. not sure you need to break a line out every time you come to a pause.

good effort. looking forward to your workshopping of it

Static Electricity

Surrounded by trails the first line feels like it needs more, what's wrong with 'orange' trails? on the next line you could knock 'of glowing' down a line so your 2nd line becomes; of Fragrant glowing fireflies-...just a suggestion to expand the opening.
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies-
their faint buzz
resonating inside us.

Engulfed by a mouth would it be better as 'by mouths of..'
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars i like this line, though thew 1st line of the stanza feels out of place, i think engulfed negates the softness of lulling. down is more or less redundant as it's the only place we're likely to be.
for us to inhale.

Marionettes of the tunes;
Invisible strings
and fleeting aroma-
conjoins swaying bodies; not sure conjoined is needed as merging has a similar meaning in this instant
Beats and hearts merging. i think this stanza needs some work, along the lines of;
the tunes of Marionettes
Invisible strings
etc
etc



(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line ), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)