Static Electricity

[Brownlie]

Static Electricity

Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies-
their faint buzz - This part is awkward the word "their" interrupts the flow and sounds awkward.
resonating inside us. - I think you have a problem with your tense

Engulfed by a mouth
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars -There seems to be a type of juxtaposition here they move up and it makes what is higher in the heavens seem closer as if the cosmos were more connected. I'm getting lofty in my interpretation
for us to inhale.

Marionettes of the tunes; I assume you are comparing the fire flies to marionettes. I'm not so sure it is very clear.
Invisible strings -- What holds the invisible strings that would be interesting
and fleeting aroma- - I don't know about aroma I have never smelled a firefly
conjoins swaying bodies;
Beats and hearts merging.


(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line ), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)

It looks like you have a lofty description of fireflies I have trouble discerning what you are attempting to communicate other than an aesthetically pleasing description. Your poem reminds me of an Emily Dickinson poem called The Lightening is a Yellow Fork. Perhaps you could learn something from that poem.