Static Electricity

[Volaticus]

Hello Volaticus, welcome to serious :-) I see a couple little issues, but it seems well thought it, so I feel like I may be missing something:

Static Electricity

Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies- Fireflies are fragrant? What do they smell like? I think this is a metaphor, but I'm not sure what it is. some will complain about the cap F, but it doesn't bother me. Author's choice.
their faint buzz
resonating inside us.

Engulfed by a mouth
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars
for us to inhale. This is all pretty abstract, and a bit over my head. I feel like there's something you're trying to say, that goes beyond the use of a direct, matter of fact description, but I'm not quite getting it.

Marionettes of the tunes;
Invisible strings
and fleeting aroma-
conjoins swaying bodies;
Beats and hearts merging. you mean rhythm and heartbeats right?


(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line ), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)

I think this is about a concert or something, and the connection shared (through the music) between concert goers, a sort of "we are one, mind body and spirit". But I think it would be better served with some concrete imagery.
I hope that helps.

Thanks for the read,

True

Hi true,
Thanks a lot for your feedback, it is very much appreciated.

Is it more appropriate to use a non-capital letter after a semi-colon?

About the fragrant fireflies. It is a metaphor, yes. But I can see how I've made it difficult to spot, now that you mention it. I'll try to explain what I wanted to say. The fireflies are a metaphor for the glows from lighted joints (and cigarettes). Making trails in the dark. That's why I used "fragrant" about fireflies, because the glows oozed fragrance. I know real fireflies don't have any scent
The three stanzas all mention the smoke, as it was that, which really brought people together.
That, and of course also like you said, the music.

Thanks for pointing out that the second stanza was abstract. I was not aware of that. I'll try to explain. The first two lines, are about how people first were swallowed by the intoxicating smoke. And the smoke then drifting upward, lulling the stars down to inhale, meant as a reference to being intoxicated and feeling one with nature. How intoxication can make nature feel almost like it's inside of you.

"Beats and hearts merging." Yes, beats from music and hearts(/heartbeats) that merge. I thought it summed up the stanza in a nice way. Maybe I was wrong?

You said it needs concrete imagery. It confuses me a bit, cause I tried to make images in each stanza. Could you maybe elaborate a little on that? It's not to sound unappreciative, I just want to be sure I understand my mistakes, so I can do a proper rewrite, since I've been less successful with most of my rewrites so far.

Best,
-LB