Static Electricity

[tectak]

Static Electricity

Surrounded by trails
of glowing orange;
Fragrant fireflies-
their faint buzz
resonating inside us. you have a whole stanza here with buggered up syntax. This subjectless technique tends to cause problems. You need to anchor your narrator to the ground or switch to reportage:
"Surrounded by trails of glowing orange, THE fragrant (really?) fireflies buzz faintly, THE sound resonates inside us."

Engulfed by a mouth
of scented clouds;
Drifting upward,
lulling down the stars
for us to inhale. ditto. Very nice but wishy-washy without a purpose. Give it purpose.

Marionettes of the tunes;
Invisible strings
and fleeting aroma-
conjoins swaying bodies;
Beats and hearts merging. ditto and ditto. Nice words but ONLY nice. Nice is ikke a nice word. You could certainly change the phrasing to bring flow (rhythm) and meter into the piece..as it is, the whole thing is just an assembly of romantic thoughts


(Hi, this is my first poem in the serious crit forum. I'll greatly appreciate to hear your honest feedback (and if I'm lucky maybe a line by line ), 'cause I plan to workshop this poem further. Oh yes, I'm also not sure about the title. Does it fit the poem? Thanks a lot in advance.)

Hi volaticus,
Just back from Aalborg Karnival so still pleasant. This is whistful. There is a light and ephemoral thread holding it (just) together. In the line by line I make only a few comments because the substance is so insubstantial that heavy suggestions would tear the fabric. Perhaps you should consider bolstering it with some more clearly defined thoughts. I really do not wish to disavow you of your right to write such fragile poetry but it us just too weak for me....but not for all.
Best,
tectak