05-30-2013, 06:29 AM
Wow, without punctuation this work reads as one long run on sentence. I find myself having to go back and then back again and again to try to decipher the voice and rhythm you intend. For me the meaning took a back seat to the laborious task of just reading this. I also note that you ended many lines with "and" typically lines should end on a word you want to emphasize. Please give me some more structure because I think I'm going to like it once I can read it. Thanks.