Autumn

[milo]

Behold, green to brown and green to gold!
Soon, exposed, the stubble fields,
Leaves, underfoot, compress and mould,
Autumn asserts, as summer yields.

all of the commas through here throw off the read and are not technically necessary. the way it is written, leaves only mold when they are underfoot, which is pretty strange. Words like "Behold" and "soon" aren't adding anything. "stubble fields" is good.

I think that you misunderstand "mould" - in this case, it refers to the organic degeneration of leaves. Compression, as in a composter, hastens this process - stepping on leaves hastens compression and decay.

Commas are technically correct and the effect on the "read" would depend on the reader's sense of rhythm and cadence.


Branches heavy with fruit galore,
Nuts to hasten the squirrel’s task,
Garner them for the winter store!
Press apples for the cider cask!

writing things like "fruits galore" in as poem just doesn't come across right. "Branches heavy" would imply the "galore" part. Imagine you and I were talking and I turned to you and said " hey, I am going to the market to buy some fruits galore, wanna come?"

But I would not expect you, or anyone else, to speak in poetic stanza/vocabulary in every day conversation...

That would sound odd, no? In normal conversation, it would sound inappropriately lyrical - it is not so in this kind of poetry

[/b]I don't think that any daily conversation can be readily recorded in writing and then claimed as poetry[/b],

I like "cider cask" - good sonics. Your meter through here is not so hot. Why "not so hot"? Suggested improvement?

Creatures, prepare for frost and snow,
For days so short and nights so long,
Soon, flocks of birds migrating go,
Hail winter with their silent song.

"days so short" = short days. "nights so long" = long nights.

I think the use of "so" here reasonably accentuates the impact of the day and night imbalance of winter - it also works rhythmically.

"flocks of birds migrating go" is a twisted, tortured syntax for rhymes sake.

Do you think that the opening line from Lord Tennyson's "The Lady of Shalott" is also "twisted, tortured syntax"?

"On either side the river lie",

or do you think Tennyson twisted and tortured the words simply for rhyme's sake in the second line:

"Long fields of barley and of rye"?


So let’s wrap up and take a stroll,
Kick up the leaves along our way,
Let fall and winter take their toll,
March onward to the buds of May!

I think you will have a hard time kicking up these compressed moldering leaves, but good luck.

One can readily kick loose leaves that have yet to be compressed. Many people love to do so during autumn strolls in the woods


Many thanks for your critique

Thank you for explaining to me how tortured syntax, odd inversions, awkwardness, wordiness, forced rhymes and archaisms work in modern poetry.
I get so confused sometimes, this poetry stuff is hard!!