Edited poem

[billy]

i see this is an edit; if possible, post the edit above the original so we can compare them

i just looked at the original. it feels you've gone from one extreme to the other. there doesn't seem to be enough meat on the bone to feed the reader a poem. at present it's too list-like and very hard to take in.

Auditory hallucinations:

Garbled words.
static sounds.
shadows

the sibilance of waves
clapping and hissing

scars i can't make these two lines work
bleed

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Tinkered with a poem I posted earlier. I considered the comments made earlier. I don't know if I accomplished anything here so I would like some feedback. Thank you for anyone who takes the time to read.