The metronome (second edit)

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I very much enjoyed it, and think your first stanza is good, pretty solid indeed.

Up until 'before the blood feast started' I felt a sense of atmosphere, but after that the story was shattered for me. I didn't really feel anything for the characters. The rhyme becomes unnatural and almost fake sounding. I understand the story, but I didn't feel any build in tension - that would then have the effect you're looking for. How did the character feel when they saw their dead parents? I find it unnecessarily dismissed. Almost like 'Oh, they're dead on the floor. Anyway..."

Although I can see you've already done a pretty major edit, I'd consider playing around with two ideas I had:

1. Perhaps write in trochaic meter? It sounds like a metronome ticking, it'd strengthen it up a bit. I know that would mean practically re-writing what you've put, but it's perhaps something to consider trying with a few lines and seeing if it works.
2. Writing the second stanza from the perspective of the vampire - it would introduce it's character more, and seems like a pretty fresh view on how to do things.

I've realised how much I've written now, I will stop writing :-P