Silence (revisited)

[Brownlie]

Revised

Sparrows cloud the sky.
Winged shadows, - I would consider combining these first two lines or perhaps conneced them with a verb or something. they fill the air with silence, -- I don't think you need this line
their song caught in their throats. - This is an interesting idea and it tells us that there is silence. wouldn't this be more powerful: Their song caught in their throats and for me to there is a bell that will not ring I don't know you could probably come up with something better than that. Redundant lines can sometimes impede a poem in my opinion.


My voice has abandoned me too,
a bell that will not ring.
A tongue tied with filament.-- I like the consonance here just listened to Rime of the Ancient Mariner which is only about a half our long he uses a lot alliteration like that and seemed to work as he was consistent with it for a period of time
Tracing the birds flight,
I long for a single sound.
Without your song


Tracing the birds flight,
I long for a single sound.
Without your song ---- What are these sparrows a metaphor for?

I listened for the tune of flighting birds
I listened in the empty air. --- I don't know I'm being narcissitc here wanting to be creative, but I think you should work on the last stanza.
the quiet is overwhelming. - This ending is rather abrupt. I have seen/heard poems where abrupt lines that stick out can be used to summarize the meaning of data that is presented earlier in a poem, but I don't think that ending achieves that aim for me.

This poem is consistant with these birds which I believe can be expanded on to create an extended metaphor that is effective. I would keep going over physical descriptions of the scene and I think you might find some things that work as you examine the environment.