Jess Land Sum

[billy]

i started the line by line feedback james and have to say i was struggling to get to grips with the poem. i don't think punctuation can save the poem or help it enough to make it more readable. it will obviously make sense to you (the poem) but for the reader it's very disjointed and unusually scripted to say the least. after a few read i did see an attempt at hip hop or rap but it's the legibility that lets the poem down. which i could have been more help.

Well I was told by AR that I should try posting here, now I have little to no knowledge on punctuation rules, just saying before hand, so if I could get any help with that than that would be great. Well here goes

All that tries
To dive into these
Submarine eyes what does this mean?
Is a dove
On of the
sweet spinning
Gloom of love
Or tomb
And what rides
Between those
Thinly blanked lines
Is a concreate-toned confide
That her mind
Will evermore be proned
To reside in the yellow sky
Of ivory nines i'm struggling to comprehend what's been written so far which makes it hard to comment on other than i couldn't understand it for the main part

Dancing through cheetah lights i like this line but again i can't see why it's here or what the metaphor is.
Dreaming on pebbles, or gazing on the wild walk I'd win
Is it a crime, so sublime in my same azure chime there's a thread about forced rhyme, this is forced internal rhyme.
Time can't still the climb to my waterfront grin what is a waterfront grin?
A smile would show thin in a walk of our skin
Infinite craters plague these chambers of tin
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Forevermore again, what does this line mean?

Call it sweet,
Call it neat,
Call it drab,
But in time
It will line
With the other
Cotton bears, it'll
Look warm and seep
Trough the underchair,
And plant the binding dime
Of Soft whistles and
Sweet fragments
Of the red death,
On the word of the
Sickly lady of the night,
And of the Scarlet beast
In Beth, don't enshrine
It as a whine,
On the line
Through the rusted
Rail,friend,
Its only stale,
Pale, and short tailed,
Just only if you
Sleep on the lemon patch
That, says, end

I understood yellow through the full frame of the window
I waltzed with the new eyes of receding frames of me alone
Her sickle tongue fled toward the dread to leave mine like a thread
And I like to say it bled, but it formed a groan
Unknowing of the words in the disease language I'll moan
The snake slithered back before I would need it sewn
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Foreverwind

Just, say,
Don't, doubt,
The hundred year
Drought will
Bind into the air
Once your mind
Paints in astral colors
It's not there
But this bridge between
Our lands of rooftops
With eyes and streets
Where the red is dye,
Is opening a crack
To sprinkle the start,
It showed it's crippling palms,
So lost, void,
It may have just
Fell apart

That last three hour trip
Turned into a four month dive
To seek through fake creaks, and a never ending peak
Just a cheap antique to fuel a hollow fronted drive
Escaping the dishevelled streets, that in heard cries its deprived
Only for a dime of a day, but in rusted sap it wouldn't dive
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Foreverclimb

Preach the whispers
Of the drowning ghost
From the ruins,
To still blend with the
Flame masked echoes from
The caves, the embers
Throw their tongue
And pummel the burning
Question into me,
Why am I so grave?
In the limelight
Of this city under
The moonlight,
The flying leaves
Behind the
Crouching shadow couldn't quite
Set the dash,
And the fever wrapped throat
Just sings,
That feather in the dawning light,
Was from the unicorn
With butterfly wings

I'm not the river, I'm not the spout, I'm just this quiver of doubt
But it, slowly, ever so slowly, drowns
After the dive, the looming line blooms into a shivering whine
It slowly, points just one that frowns
I will always see, the palm that dared to drown
It gripped this soil shrine, froze the cheetah light, and paced all the way down
Denote of the Sickle Soar- Forevermeant

In the water of sunny days
And in the water of rainy mornings
I still walk by the old house with my arms held out
Because I believe that if I wait long enough
You'll come back
And you'll reach out to my hand one last time
Because
Teddy bear stripper, the monkey, the unicorn will butterfly wings, the sickle soar,
Jessica
I know that
I want you to know
You were
My greatest love
And

You were


My greatest failure

---

No problem Billy, anyday that I make a person smile is a day well spent , I know I've posted quite a few on mild, but on mild I wasn't able to get too much of a constructive response due to how complicated it was, so a member suggested that I try posting here. He did mention to try to make the punctuation better, but I wasn't too sure how so I thought definitely someone here would have a tip. But thank for still having a go at it, because you know, the punctuation . I'll be looking forward to your honest opinion on it

the length of the poem in this case is your downfall. it's very hard to pick at a couple of things in such a long poem when it's a substantial write. it's also hard to critique it in serious because many would see something wrong in most of the lines.

if you want to work shop it, throw it in mild and i'll help you go through it piece by piece but in a less dramatic way than here in serious. that way people can maybe give insights as opposed to head on collisions.

---

What you did was criticise my entire word use, you cannot sit here and tell me that line in particular is a good representation of the whole.

in the main part, yes james. i'm not sticking up for tom but i will reinforce his feedback. 80% of the lines held little or no continuity or legibility as far as understanding the poem went. i know from when i started writing poetry that such statements can be fucking nauseating to read >< and i understand how you feel but tom is on your side. i know i am. if you want to improve. i know he and i will help as best we can.

most of of our feedback on your poem isn't about style. it's about understanding