05-24-2013, 04:40 PM
hi lennox, no line by feedback here. just a few generalities
it's telly in that it straight out telling us the story/poem. try and use a few images.
Countless billions of pathways bear,
could be something along the lines of;
an infinity of connections giving birth (an example)
there's a lot of cliche, if a cliche is used it needs to be used well and often with intent. here that doesn't feel to be the case. i'm thinking the reptile reflex etc has something to do with the tree of knowledge, i'm not sure that metaphor works in this instance. if it's something else, i can't see it.
the main problem i see with it is that it feels trite/forced too poetical/contrived. it needs to feel and read naturally, it needs some depth, it has to make us become part of it.
you're brave to be posting it in serious and i agree with milo, for a novice poet it's a good effort. if you can, try to edit (even if it's only in small steps) you'll reap the benefits more than you can imagine.
thanks for posting it
it's telly in that it straight out telling us the story/poem. try and use a few images.
Countless billions of pathways bear,
could be something along the lines of;
an infinity of connections giving birth (an example)
there's a lot of cliche, if a cliche is used it needs to be used well and often with intent. here that doesn't feel to be the case. i'm thinking the reptile reflex etc has something to do with the tree of knowledge, i'm not sure that metaphor works in this instance. if it's something else, i can't see it.
the main problem i see with it is that it feels trite/forced too poetical/contrived. it needs to feel and read naturally, it needs some depth, it has to make us become part of it.
you're brave to be posting it in serious and i agree with milo, for a novice poet it's a good effort. if you can, try to edit (even if it's only in small steps) you'll reap the benefits more than you can imagine.
thanks for posting it
(05-24-2013, 01:04 PM)lennox222 Wrote: Brain Game.
Of all that makes us what we are,
Engine of past and future gain,
Our greatest gift, our brightest star,
Man’s unknowable, knowing brain.
Countless billions of pathways bear,
Our deepest and most fleeting thoughts,
All that it means to be aware
Lies trapped within its daily plots.
Yet, deep within its function hides,
A subtle and inhuman trait,
A reptile reflex that provides
The core determinant of fate.
Each of us thinks that we decide,
By considered thought, our best plan,
Not knowing that we have just relied
On the reptile urge of the inner man.
Here is the mark of reptile lust
That all about us is danger,
Self-protect and never trust,
Anyone who is a stranger.
Search deep within our history book,
With an unblinking, reptile eye,
See fellow men with jaundiced look,
Common humanity deny.
We all must summon our left brain,
Our reptile impulse to resist,
Rationalise and then restrain,
Persuade the right brain to desist.
Let our power of logic reveal,
Our world and mankind as they are,
Lay the ground for our souls to heal,
Let tolerance be our guiding star.