05-22-2013, 11:04 PM
Hi Matthew you have two nice lines here:
I am the fog on your morning commute.
I am the rain in which you bathe
Not sure about the inconsistent punctuation between sentences.
I think where you go for specific images like those above it works. When you settle for the generic:
I am filled with beauty and grace
The three always lines
It's much weaker.
In fact ending on unique buys you nothing. You'd probably be better served by cutting out anything generic and maybe end on this idea:
I am powerless in this life
While not an image, if you build to it properly it could work.
Just a few thoughts.
Best,
Todd
I am the fog on your morning commute.
I am the rain in which you bathe
Not sure about the inconsistent punctuation between sentences.
I think where you go for specific images like those above it works. When you settle for the generic:
I am filled with beauty and grace
The three always lines
It's much weaker.
In fact ending on unique buys you nothing. You'd probably be better served by cutting out anything generic and maybe end on this idea:
I am powerless in this life
While not an image, if you build to it properly it could work.
Just a few thoughts.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson