Retro-Futuristic

[seth.meyers]

I'll start with what works well for me -

I like the extended metaphor of the 'wake-up call' (though some might call it cliche). It adds some understanding and flow to the poem, it's personally the best bit.

In a lot of parts, the speech sounds natural. It doesn't sound too forced and gives it a kind of personal, parent-like telling off. This may not have been what you intended but it certainly works well.

What would improve it:

Though I am terrible at line breaks myself, they're erratic and don't make sense. If you're having trouble knowing when to move on to the next line, start off with writing in a form (as that dictates when your line ends, and can help develop your writing skills without this added trouble).


A lot is said, but nothing is explained. Take these three lines:

Excuse me if I sound harsh. (This line is alright).
Because life is harsh. (It is? Tell me how it is harsh for you. What happened? How? What did you feel?)
And you made it that way. (Was this because of the unexplained incidents?)

It is very hard to visualise anything because there is nothing being vividly described. The meaning is pretty clear of what is happening, but there's no emotional link to this character because the reader cannot relate - in turn because you haven't told us what really happened.

I know it's novice, I hope you don't mind the detailed feedback. Happy revising

Thanks so much for the feedback! Specific details are very helpful.

I'm writing up a new revision now!