05-22-2013, 07:34 AM
They're both in this thread, so I'll pick out a few errors in one version.
The iron rich metallic sting still strong in my mouth,
the seemingly lifeless body sprawled across the couch.
Pulse quickening, vision still a blur,
franticly pacing back and forth with thoughts of what the neighbors may have heard.
frantically
As I calm myself I move slowly towards the body,
taking note of every bruise, every scratch, and every gash,
focusing in on her throat, I notice my firm grip had left the appearance of a rash.
The "had" here might need to be considered.
This horrific sight made me ask myself “how could I do this monstrous act?”
And the tense is a little slippy here.
Then I realize that in fact, this is just that, an act.
For an act is a part of a play, a play in which I am a part of.
Don't really need "of".
And in this play, this disgustingly beautiful play.
And the period here
I am the playwright, the star, and the critic,
Do you want a comma or a period? Do you want the next line's "But" to start with a capital letter?
But most importantly I am the audience, gazing down in complete awe of my performance.
For this disturbing little act I am required to play many roles.
So many roles in fact, that I often lose who I am, and find it hard to keep my sanity intact.
But one role is constant, never changing, and always the same,
the role of the victim, the beaten and restrained.
Peering down at the shivering body I notice a bit of blood
Punctuation here?
Removing it with my forefinger, I close my eyes, savor the moment and rub it on my tongue.
Again! That metallic sting erupting my senses.
Sending lighting down my spine, leaving me in paralysis, vulnerable, and defenseless.
"lighting" or lightning?
As I regain my faculties I see the body begin to stir
Punctuation?
So I grab a near by steak knife and plunge it into her
You can make nearby one word. And no punctuation here and in the next line?
Twisting and turning the knife, I begin foaming at the mouth
Nothing has ever brought me such pleasure like watching this body lose its life, right here on my couch
No period?
In anticipation of the moment i close my eyes basking in thoughts of my sin.
I
Awaiting her last exhale, and eggar to breath it in.
While I've seen "exhale" used as a noun before, exhalation is normally used. And is it eager?
Excitement has overcome me, I really cannot wait.
Starring into her almost lifeless eyes I kneel down and whisper
Staring
"did you enjoy you're last first date?"
your
If there are other problems, I'll look for them again later.
The iron rich metallic sting still strong in my mouth,
the seemingly lifeless body sprawled across the couch.
Pulse quickening, vision still a blur,
franticly pacing back and forth with thoughts of what the neighbors may have heard.
frantically
As I calm myself I move slowly towards the body,
taking note of every bruise, every scratch, and every gash,
focusing in on her throat, I notice my firm grip had left the appearance of a rash.
The "had" here might need to be considered.
This horrific sight made me ask myself “how could I do this monstrous act?”
And the tense is a little slippy here.
Then I realize that in fact, this is just that, an act.
For an act is a part of a play, a play in which I am a part of.
Don't really need "of".
And in this play, this disgustingly beautiful play.
And the period here
I am the playwright, the star, and the critic,
Do you want a comma or a period? Do you want the next line's "But" to start with a capital letter?
But most importantly I am the audience, gazing down in complete awe of my performance.
For this disturbing little act I am required to play many roles.
So many roles in fact, that I often lose who I am, and find it hard to keep my sanity intact.
But one role is constant, never changing, and always the same,
the role of the victim, the beaten and restrained.
Peering down at the shivering body I notice a bit of blood
Punctuation here?
Removing it with my forefinger, I close my eyes, savor the moment and rub it on my tongue.
Again! That metallic sting erupting my senses.
Sending lighting down my spine, leaving me in paralysis, vulnerable, and defenseless.
"lighting" or lightning?
As I regain my faculties I see the body begin to stir
Punctuation?
So I grab a near by steak knife and plunge it into her
You can make nearby one word. And no punctuation here and in the next line?
Twisting and turning the knife, I begin foaming at the mouth
Nothing has ever brought me such pleasure like watching this body lose its life, right here on my couch
No period?
In anticipation of the moment i close my eyes basking in thoughts of my sin.
I
Awaiting her last exhale, and eggar to breath it in.
While I've seen "exhale" used as a noun before, exhalation is normally used. And is it eager?
Excitement has overcome me, I really cannot wait.
Starring into her almost lifeless eyes I kneel down and whisper
Staring
"did you enjoy you're last first date?"
your
If there are other problems, I'll look for them again later.