The play (dark subject matter) first edit

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I love the first 8 lines. That's the best bit of the poem for me. I think that it slips past that - it rambles on too much for my liking. Read it again, and cut out what doesn't add to the reader's understanding. Be harsh. You have really good foundations for a great poem, I'd like to see an edit

I couldn't resist attempting it myself quickly, this is just what I think should be left after cutting.

The iron rich metallic sting still strong in my mouth,
the seemingly lifeless body sprawled across the couch.
Pulse quickening, vision still a blur,
franticly pacing back and forth with thoughts of what the neighbors may have heard.
I calm myself,I move slowly towards the body,
taking note of every bruise, every scratch, and every gash,
focusing in on her throat, I notice my firm grip had left the appearance of a rash.
I question how I could complete such a monstrous act.
Then I realize that in fact, this is just that -
an act.
I am the playwright, the star, and the critic,
But most importantly I am the audience
gazing down in complete awe of my performance.
But one role is constant, never changing, and always the same,
the role of the victim, the beaten and restrained.
As I regain my faculties a sense of remorse sets in.
So I unbind the woman, turn and walk away.