Rough Morning?

[Bunx]

You've done some really interesting things with cliches and for me that's pretty much the only forgiveable way to use them -- subversion is the key. The rhymes sprinkled throughout give this a good sound, although a little more work with meter will help you out even more. Your punctuation could use some fixing -- for example, the full stops at the end of lines in the first stanza are all wrong except the last one. Good bones though, and it's fleshing out pretty well

thanks leanne for the insightful comments. i changed up a bunch of grammar (the weakest of my "skills"), as well as deleted some words.