Meadows

[Keith]

This is not actually the original as I wrote this a little while ago but then it was lost (hence this version is a semi-remembered form). Would love to get some feedback on this as I feel it flirts with cheesiness/just generally sucks a bit. Also I know the meter changes a bit, I know that is a nit for some of you so sorry. Anyway:

In the meadow
Bright and clear
A perfect breath in times austere
Score dances from a fragile beak
A precious brush on lover's cheek like the delicacy of these lines

In a meadow
Overcast
Laced fingers flutter from the blast
Sluggish smoke
Whispered goodbye
Watching the ash rise to the sky

In a meadow
Before a flag
An oath is taken
Issued dog tag
A rage mephitic to torn world view had to google but good word choiceAnd a longing love that could tear in two


The sky shot through with nocuous fumes
The broken grounds belch souls in plumes like this pairing also good imagesAnd a racing heart
Yearning exhumes sounds forced
But in the meadow a poppy blooms meter too short could add new poppy blooms
In the meadow
Cold and clear
Reminisce with silent tear
And aching heart begging for score
But the birds don't sing any more. here any more ?

I enjoyed the way you present this jumping from one story to an other meadow and a different story and you have the pieces of a really good poem here, some of the end rhymes feel a little forced, the meter need a tune up but other than that you have some strong images and a good tale to tell. Hope this helps,Thanks TOMH