05-20-2013, 05:30 PM
the edit is okay but it's not a patch on the original, it reads and feels as a completely different poem. like i say, it's okay but it's not the poem you started with. i see you as a good writer and a poet that knows how to create an image. this doesn't feel like it's yours. it's flat and to be honest, if you fattened it up you'd have to make it less in depth and more in width; you end up with a six liner. the title works for the original poem, but not for this one. you have lots of ability, you're a very clever writer, you see things with a keen eye; this edit however disproves the facts (no line by.) jmo