Meadows

[Magpie]

This is not actually the original as I wrote this a little while ago but then it was lost (hence this version is a semi-remembered form). Would love to get some feedback on this as I feel it flirts with cheesiness/just generally sucks a bit. Also I know the meter changes a bit, I know that is a nit for some of you so sorry. Anyway:

In the meadow
Bright and clear
A perfect breath in times austere
Score dances from a fragile beak This line threw me, I presume
A precious brush on lover's cheek you mean music,birdsong. Score made
me think "20" at first
In a meadow
Overcast
Laced fingers flutter from the blast This made me think of a duel
Sluggish smoke for some reason
Whispered goodbye
Watching the ash rise to the sky

In a meadow civil war?
Before a flag
An oath is taken
Issued dog tag
A rage mephitic to torn world view good word "mephitic"
And a longing love that could tear in two


The sky shot through with nocuous fumes I'm not too knowledgeable
The broken grounds belch souls in plumes on certain rules of poetry but
And a racing heart should this stanza also start
Yearning exhumes with "In the meadow" as a refrain
But in the meadow a poppy blooms

In the meadow
Cold and clear
Reminisce with silent tear
And aching heart begging for score
But the birds don't sing any more.

Hi Catcherin,
Don't put your poem down in the introduction, although it could be a cunning plan to lure someone in.
I left a couple of notes at the side but don't read too much into them. I'm not sure if I've got this right but I see the meadow as a device that you've used to have certain scenarios over time? And I'm not entirely sure why I think this, but S2 a duel? S3 civil war? S4 world war? because of the poppy. Either way it's got something about it just needs a tiny tiny bit fixing here and there, and unless I've got the wrong meaning about "score" then it seems slightly stiff for describing birdsong.
But most of all don't shoot your poem down in the intro because others might shoot it in critique and then, we'd have to call an ambulance and the rest
Cheers for the read. Thanks
AR