Piñata [rev-5-18-13]

[tectak]

First revision, May 18, 2013
Hi mark, good to see your back ( pun in your world).
I have seen this one before somewhere but can now have a go at it.
Best,
tectak
Once I was an alien on my own planet,
things got much easier. "Once" has a double meaning. Not important but it can change the overall concept if the opener echoes. You may decide to change the punctuation to clarify.

'It must be my religion', I don't like the "it" word when I have not been told what "it" is. What is it?
I mused,
and dropped all of my books
to pick up candy.
When the last scrap of onion skin fell Don't get it. I may later. We shall see.

there I was. NOW I get it! VG. Though if you want to write "When the last scrap of onion skin fell there I was" then why not do just that? Why the affectation of line break?
'It must be my innocence',
but what was left?
Pillage my skin and bone
but when I couldn't sleep
for the light shining through my
drape-less window

there I was. As a refrain, it is not weighty enough. The overall poem is,however, developing nicely.

'It must be my convictions!'

I mustered all my might to break free.
The mold that had grown
over my perception waned. mold and wane are incompatible, even in a metaphor
I blinked

and there I was.

Once, I was an alien on my own planet Clever comma, but is it a deliberate take on L1? I cannot tell
but I didn't know it.

Original:

Once I was an alien on my own planet,
things got much easier.

'It must be my religion',
I mused,
and dropped all of my books
to pick up candy.
When the last scrap of onion skin fell

there I was.

'It must be my innocence',
but what was left?
Pillage my skin and bone
but when I couldn't sleep
for the light shining through my
drape-less window

there I was.

'It must be my convictions!'

I mustered all my might to break.
The mold that had grown
over my perception waned.
I blinked

and there I was.

Once, I was an alien on my own planet
but I didn't know it.

Yes mark. You should post here more often. I enjoyed this.
Best,
tectak
( Have aliens taken you over?)