05-19-2013, 03:48 AM
This is not actually the original as I wrote this a little while ago but then it was lost (hence this version is a semi-remembered form). Would love to get some feedback on this as I feel it flirts with cheesiness/just generally sucks a bit. Also I know the meter changes a bit, I know that is a nit for some of you so sorry. Anyway:
1st revision:
In the meadow
Bright and clear
A perfect breath in times austere
Score dances from a fragile beak
A precious brush on lover's cheek
In a meadow
Overcast
Laced fingers flutter from the blast
Sluggish smoke
Whispered goodbye
Watching the ash rise to the sky
In a meadow
Before a flag
An oath is taken
Issued dog tag
A rage mephitic; torn world view
And a longing love that could tear in two
The sky shot through with nocuous fumes
The broken grounds belch souls in plumes
And a racing heart
Yearning exhumes
But in the meadow a new poppy blooms
In the meadow
Cold and clear
Reminisce with silent tear
And aching heart begging for score
But the birds don't sing here any more.
original:
In the meadow
Bright and clear
A perfect breath in times austere
Score dances from a fragile beak
A precious brush on lover's cheek
In a meadow
Overcast
Laced fingers flutter from the blast
Sluggish smoke
Whispered goodbye
Watching the ash rise to the sky
In a meadow
Before a flag
An oath is taken
Issued dog tag
A rage mephitic to torn world view
And a longing love that could tear in two
The sky shot through with nocuous fumes
The broken grounds belch souls in plumes
And a racing heart
Yearning exhumes
But in the meadow a poppy blooms
In the meadow
Cold and clear
Reminisce with silent tear
And aching heart begging for score
But the birds don't sing any more.
1st revision:
In the meadow
Bright and clear
A perfect breath in times austere
Score dances from a fragile beak
A precious brush on lover's cheek
In a meadow
Overcast
Laced fingers flutter from the blast
Sluggish smoke
Whispered goodbye
Watching the ash rise to the sky
In a meadow
Before a flag
An oath is taken
Issued dog tag
A rage mephitic; torn world view
And a longing love that could tear in two
The sky shot through with nocuous fumes
The broken grounds belch souls in plumes
And a racing heart
Yearning exhumes
But in the meadow a new poppy blooms
In the meadow
Cold and clear
Reminisce with silent tear
And aching heart begging for score
But the birds don't sing here any more.
original:
In the meadow
Bright and clear
A perfect breath in times austere
Score dances from a fragile beak
A precious brush on lover's cheek
In a meadow
Overcast
Laced fingers flutter from the blast
Sluggish smoke
Whispered goodbye
Watching the ash rise to the sky
In a meadow
Before a flag
An oath is taken
Issued dog tag
A rage mephitic to torn world view
And a longing love that could tear in two
The sky shot through with nocuous fumes
The broken grounds belch souls in plumes
And a racing heart
Yearning exhumes
But in the meadow a poppy blooms
In the meadow
Cold and clear
Reminisce with silent tear
And aching heart begging for score
But the birds don't sing any more.