05-19-2013, 12:43 AM
Ok, I've never seen this form before, it's good to be able to learn some things from this website. I think that a title that maybe sums up a general theme or a repeating image might help readers extract more meaning from the piece.
It was good to see that “my” oak tree was still standing. I had just walked the path from the beach to the high meadow, passing the fallen heroes of another age. They had stood for centuries, becoming vast in girth and their reach of shelter. One by one they did not wake from their winter slumbers. Their leaves withered and they failed to answer the whispering wind. The power of the passing storm tore them from their anchorage-- Tore them from their anchorage thats cool , splitting open diseased hearts-- While it sounds cool I Don't get the meaning of diseased hearts and laying them bare. Re-sculpting the landscape.
A similar work had been wrought on the beach. Re-moulded, the debris swept away and a firm smooth expanse left, inviting to the foot and eye. Unsullied by the fallen land and low tide litter. The only adornments, were a few bright pebbles and some shells; arranged on the lower skirts of the tide reach – looking like a necklace of gems glittering in early morning light. I know, that if I can hear the rattle of bones and see the broken ribs of an ancient sailing ship that came home when she ran adrift, then the storm was significant and I then like to check on the Oaks. (Mentioned in the history books, the ship carried passengers and supplies).
Standing oak, new growth -
A shipment of grain and wine.
Well seasoned export.
So the narrator is checking to see if her Oak tree fell after a storm and then he/she muses about storms in general?
I don't know anything about Haibun, but the prose (if you can call it prose I don't know the exact terminology here) was well written. If this were a piece of flash fiction or something I would search for a climax at the beginning and some sort of quick epiphany (My knowledge is limited here).
I saw some people have chained multiple paragraphs with prose followed by a haiku so this piece could probably be expanded. Thanks for posting this was thought provoking.
It was good to see that “my” oak tree was still standing. I had just walked the path from the beach to the high meadow, passing the fallen heroes of another age. They had stood for centuries, becoming vast in girth and their reach of shelter. One by one they did not wake from their winter slumbers. Their leaves withered and they failed to answer the whispering wind. The power of the passing storm tore them from their anchorage-- Tore them from their anchorage thats cool , splitting open diseased hearts-- While it sounds cool I Don't get the meaning of diseased hearts and laying them bare. Re-sculpting the landscape.
A similar work had been wrought on the beach. Re-moulded, the debris swept away and a firm smooth expanse left, inviting to the foot and eye. Unsullied by the fallen land and low tide litter. The only adornments, were a few bright pebbles and some shells; arranged on the lower skirts of the tide reach – looking like a necklace of gems glittering in early morning light. I know, that if I can hear the rattle of bones and see the broken ribs of an ancient sailing ship that came home when she ran adrift, then the storm was significant and I then like to check on the Oaks. (Mentioned in the history books, the ship carried passengers and supplies).
Standing oak, new growth -
A shipment of grain and wine.
Well seasoned export.
So the narrator is checking to see if her Oak tree fell after a storm and then he/she muses about storms in general?
I don't know anything about Haibun, but the prose (if you can call it prose I don't know the exact terminology here) was well written. If this were a piece of flash fiction or something I would search for a climax at the beginning and some sort of quick epiphany (My knowledge is limited here).
I saw some people have chained multiple paragraphs with prose followed by a haiku so this piece could probably be expanded. Thanks for posting this was thought provoking.